I Am A Card-Carrying Member of the Patriarchy

I have decided to come out of the closet. I am confessing that I am a member of the Patriarchy. I have maintained this secret for quite a while now, but now I find it expedient to make this revelation public.

The Patriarchy is a closely-knit society of men who have ruled over the world since the dawn of time. While the Patriarchy has over the ages been more scattered and a more diverse group of men, we now are less diverse and more defined than ever.

To be a member of the Patriarchy, you must be:

• a man
• white (Anglo Saxon)
• affiliated with what's is considered a Christian Protestant church
• heterosexual
• between the ages of 25 and 55
• employed in a legitimate free-enterprise business

We secretly meet daily in executive board rooms and at weekend poker games, not to mention on Sunday mornings at church, to plot the misery and oppression of all people not in the Patriarchy. We have code words, such as "conservative", "Christian", "pro-life", "liberty-loving", and "small government" that allow each of us to know other members of the Patriarchy.

Explained below are the qualifications:

1. A man - While the root of the word "Patriarchy" comes from the Latin "Pater", meaning father, it only stands to reason that members of the Patriarchy could only be men. Anyway, women are one of the targeted groups for our oppressive policies.
2. White - Throughout history, the Patriarchy has had members of all races. But in our age of technology and ability to travel, we have narrowed the Patriarchy to only white men of European ancestry. Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Middle Eastern, and Native Americans are now targeted groups for our oppressive policies.
3. Protestant - While Catholics and Jews were once members of the Patriarchy, and the Patriarchical policies are rooted in Jewish-Christian tradition, we found it necessary to exclude these groups from the Patriarchy, since both groups are now targets of our religious intolerance.
4. Heterosexual - To be in the Patriarchy, you must be inclined to be attracted to women, since it is necessary to entrap them in marriage and long-term relationships in order to oppress them and to produce future members of the Patriarchy, as well as future members of the female oppressed.
5. Age 25-55 - This requirement ensures that you are compliant with requirement 6, as well as mature and able-bodied enough to maintain membership in the Patriarchy. Besides, we have targeted elderly and retired people as an oppressed class.
6. Employed in a free-enterprise, profit-driven business - This was necessary since we target retired persons and unemployed persons with our oppressive policies. Bantered about was the possibility of excluding working-class men from the Patriarchy with a requirement that one must hold a white-collar job, but we have found that factory workers are just as effective in oppressing their wives as executives in the oil industry.

The Patriarchy is currently oppressing more people than McDonald's ever thought of serving, since members of the Patriarchy are now in the United States government (Remember George Bush and Dick Cheney have ties to big oil), where most all of the Patriarchy now reside, having some residual in Great Britain, Australia, and a few other Western European countries.

Below are some of the policies that you may recognize but did not know that they were targeted policies of the Patriarchy.

1. Anti-abortion: Since women are one of our targeted groups of oppression, we staunchly oppose any reproductive freedom that they may have. While held among most of the oppressed people the world over as a human right, we ademently oppose the killing of children. There is a two-fold reason for the Patriarchy to oppose this. First of all, children keep women within the bonds of our oppression by limiting their ability to "do things for themselves". Secondly, children are key to the perpetuation of the Patriarchy and its oppression. We make a big deal about abortion being a method of killing children, which we believe, but only to the extent that we seek to keep women under our thumbs.
2. Anti-affirmative action: We give much lip service to affirmative action policies being a slap to minorities, since the underlying philosophy is that minorities would not be able to succeed without affirmative action due to, what else, but the Patriarchy. While it is true that affirmative action programs are not merit-based and reward less qualified people with jobs and seats because of their skin color, and that affirmative action assumes that minorities are not able to compete with the Patriarchy, our true reason for opposing affirmative action is to keep minorities under our thumb.
3. Pro-Christian displays in government: In the U.S., the Constitution states that Congress shall make no laws establishing religion nor prohibiting the exercise thereof, our true agenda is not to allow for the free expression of Christian religions. Our true agenda is to set up our Christian theocracy by having such symbols as crosses and the ten commandments displayed on public owned property. Of course, for now, we say that we will not force Jews, Muslims, and atheists to convert, and this is true. While for now they deny Christ, sooner or later they will proclaim Him King without our persuasion. By then, though, it may be too late for them.
4. Anti-hate crime legislation: We contend publicly that laws already exist concerning violent crimes, and that if the motive of said violence is portended to be because of a hatred of certain groups, this borders upon the legislation of thought. While it is true that laws do exist prescribing punishment for violent crime, and that most violence involves a negative emotion of some sort, be it hatred or otherwise, we truly oppose hate-crime legislation because we enjoy beating up gay people. It is part of our oppression agenda.
5. Social Security Privatization: We contend publicly that those so inclined can earn more of return on their retirement investment over time from private investment. And while this is certainly true, our true purpose for social security reform is take income away from old people.
6. Anti-minimum wage: According to the Patriarchy, minimum wage is an artificial inflation of wage pricing that is detrimental to lower skilled workers, as they are edged out of the market by technology and over-seas labor pools. While this is certainly true, the Patriarchy really enjoys oppressing poor people. Blue collar workers are targeted, even though some are members of the Patriarchy by virtue of the qualifications.

While the above policies illustrate our oppressive agenda toward all those non-Patriarchy. We keep a cover on our true conspiratorial agenda by posing as hard-working, freedom-loving, patriotic, church-going husbands and fathers who pretend to feel a responsibility to the welfare of our families and others. But in reality, we pledge our allegience to the Patriarchy and its dominance.

Our dominance is threatened by the much smarter liberal types, who are much more individual-oriented than we, illustrated by their well-orchestrated and intelligent mantras such as "hell no, we won't go", or "Bush lied, kids died". These individualists typically form groups that further amplifies their individuality. They abhor everything Patriarchical, including bathing and shaving. They are hypersensitive to the oppression of the Patriarchy, battling through negotiation and appeasement, their strongest weapons of their theoretical war.

But as has been proven over time, the Patriarchy will prevail in the end.

Thank you for allowing me to finally come clean.